¿Home?

Primero The First: big thanks to Juliana Britto Schwartz at Feministing for profiling my shit in her article, Women of color travel too. Check it out.

the past month has been pretty fucking intense. I lost my health insurance, my house, and I turned 27. I took a few trips around the country and scoured the city for a new place to live. I’ve had frustrating appointments with the social insurance plan and my private insurance company and fights with previous landlords and roommates. and I’m done. after another year here, I’m throwing in the towel and trying somewhere else. I’m leaving quito and going back to nyc. I’m extremely sad about this turn of events but feel that it’s the only (and best) decision for me right now.

so my question is, what the fuck is home? in the past 6 years i’ve moved back and forth between these two cities maybe 4 times, and I can never really tell whether I’m going home or leaving home. as james baldwin wrote in giovanni’s room, “Perhaps home is not a place but simply an irrevocable condition.” Ecuador has been home for me even before I ever got here, but Quito and I have always been at odds. living here has been a constant struggle since day one and it’s been pretty fucking impossible to find my footing here. something would come through, then I’d receive a blow in another arena. it’s been absolutely draining.

I’m taking all of this as a sign that I don’t belong in this city. I tried though – that I did – and I’ll always come back (my future trips back are already planned.) but it’s time to bounce. now I’ve got two weeks to say goodbye and maybe try to kinda prepare for the culture shock awaiting me back “home.”

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9 thoughts on “¿Home?”

  1. Amazing post–sad and beautiful to read. I have not read Giovanni’s Room since 1984, and that quote is simply true. Home–I am sorry Quito did not work out for you. Good luck on your travels back.

  2. Out of the 3 Baldwin books I’ve read (not including essasy and plays), I have yet to read Giovanni’s Room. Gotta change that asap.. I’m not wishing you any luck because I know you’ll be just fine. You’ve already accomplished more than most people. This is just another chapter in your life. Think of it like this: it’ll be a great entry to your memoir. 😊

  3. Wow, gorgeous photos. I’m sorry you have to leave but I wish you the best of luck, I hope this new chapter brings you wonderful things.

  4. This is exactly how I feel about Bogotá! I think, as third culture children, home isn’t a permanent location like for most people, but several places where parts of you fit and parts of you don’t

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